Violent Masculinity

 I remember a conversation I had awhile ago with someone about smiling in pictures. It was a male and he said he preferred not to smile in photos. He felt it made him look weak, geeky, or cheesy. I joked back and forth about how peculiar this concept really was. I commented that I had seen it often though: that men seem to avoid smiling in  pictures to appear tough and manly. I wondered where that "rule" came. Somehow though as we chatted I realized in some ways I agreed. Why did it seem that a guy who smiled seemed less manly? It was almost as if by smiling in a picture he would expose all his secrets.What did purposely not smiling in a picture mean? It seemed that smiling showed vulnerability. One of the unwritten "manly man rules."

Masculinity today is very narrow. I have not seen very many examples of men in the media that stray from the narrow definition society supports of what a "real " man is. Media and our society supports the claims that masculine is unemotional, tough, strong, violent, aggressive, womanizing, and robotic....Women and men are seen as polar opposites in our society today. There is no gray in either definition. Qualities are labeled "masculine" or "feminine." Men possessing any qualities in the "gray" or in the "feminine" category are considered unmasculine. What is a man without his masculinity? Gender is such an important part of our identity. From the time we are born and typically before that (when we are in womb and our sex is identified) we are divided by our sex. Our identities begin to become deeply ingrained in our gender. Our parents feel the need to identify us with colors that are "feminine" and "masculine."


There are many examples of this kind of masculinity in media such as in rap music. Lyrics of these songs degrade women in violent ways and promote violence in general: whether its killing rivalry gangs/rappers or just communicating aggressively with others. This kind of style of communicating as they do in rap videos and as they do verbally is becoming more and more popular among whites as it was previously and still with blacks. It is described at times as "ghetto." Its a guise of acting tough and as if one has no feelings. Its a fear of vulnerability and a fear of looking "weak." According to the documentary we watched in class, "Violence, Media, and the Crisis of Masculinity with Jackson Katz (1999)" these now popular ideas and behaviors about masculinity originated from Italian mafias or gangs. Blacks adapted this and whites seem to be adapting it now from blacks.


The ideas of whats "masculine" in our society has lead to consequences. Men feel the need to use violence to display power. The power issue seems to be a large component of masculine. Large muscular men demonstrate masculinity in their physical power or strength. Those that can not be physically strong resort to using other means to show their dominance or power. These men or boys turn to violence to defend their masculinity. They suddenly can gain respect by using guns, knives, and force. Respect seems to be given to those that are most powerful...or at very least media has convinced men of this. The most robotic man who seems "hard" without feelings is seen as powerful. Non-emotional in conjunction with physical strength equals the most masculine forms of manliness.

As a woman, I am becoming more and more aware of how this masculinity is not appealing to me. I find myself longing more and more for a better communicator in relationships: romantic and platonic. I want to have relationships with people who are not afraid of their feelings and what it means to be vulnerable. There was times in my life where the tough guy seems a bit appealing but within weeks of dating this type I would become frustrated and burned out. Attempting to dig deeper and know the person below the exterior became overwhelming and I would soon find myself avoiding the person. It is my hope that all women can learn to find a man with great communication skills and vulnerability as a turn-on. By having women who desire men who are too tough, men understand that this is desirable and adapt to it. If women demand different qualities in men, this type of behavior will diminish greatly. As women, we need to understand why this is so appealing, if it is to us. They say old habits die hard but I am a firm believer that one can never be too old to grow and change.